Whatever you do, however terrible, however hurtful – it all makes sense doesn’t it? Inside your head. You never meet anybody who thinks they’re a bad person or that they’re cruel. … Don’t you put the past in a room, in the cellar, and lock the door and just never go in there? Because that’s what I do. … Then you meet someone special and all you want to do is toss them the key, say open up, step inside, but you can’t because it’s dark, and there are demons, and if anybody saw how ugly it was…
I keep wanting to do that – fling open the door – let the light in, clean everything out. If I could get a huge eraser and rub everything out…starting with myself… What’s wrong with me, why do I feel like this? I must be going crazy… Most of the time I hear strange and weird noises; little strange voices inside my head saying how much I’m becoming evil and wickedness again, again and over again- I think or I think I must be hallucinating… not too sure. Not too sure what they exactly are, but honestly, I think it’s to do with the demons. Don’t want to think about it as I feel like I’m going insane – as it can come and grab me; It can creep up inside me and consume me. Which is a disease of the mind, it can control you as it’s too close for comfort.
I need help, help that’s observable and curable as I need to be released from this curse… I’m trying very hard to remain tame, but in theory I’m struggling. (Scene 2 – talking to himself) It’s like they’re talking to me and being my best friend, but in some sense, they’re just doing it to take over my body. It’s hideous, horrific and horrible… bizarre that no one believes me. I know. I know it sounds ludicrous, but it’s the truth- They keep coming back for me, trying to obtain my powers of myself fullest control. I’m ready to lose touch with my friends, close friends and family if I’m not curable which makes me feel I’m a monster…
I need protection, life is better off the line. Nothing heard, nothing said… I can’t even speak about it – cos’ all my life is on my head. Mind, my mind, thoughts and I… are… are… placed into a pitchy dark enclosed cellar space room. It’s coming, it’s creeping, it’s getting closer, I can almost feel it, as a gust of twirl wind begins to form, I squint my eyes, wrap my arms around my body to build a barrier and the hairs on my neck stand up; I feel a strange cold and warm sensation rising up inside of me. I open my eyes, nothings there, twirl of wind gone, and lights on, no one there.
Feel I’ve been in a steam room for hours on end… but there is no sight of visibility which is making this… It’s like the darkness is the light. Accept faded pictures on the wall it’s like they talkin’ to me disconnectin’ me from every human being. It’s hurting me, no one believes me. I question myself; When I was young I dreamt, I dreamt of a life where I seemed so wonderful… everything made me feel so life able, enjoyable and happy. Where is this dream? How am I going to get this dream?
Will I ever get this dream? I can’t make it through all the things that are happening. You’re supposed to be not afraid of what you are..and There’s a.. answer if you reach into your soul; and the sorrow that you know will melt away. I often also question myself; if this is my life with little strange demons controlling me… then I… I need to escape, I gotta get out- and breathe and the only way of doing this ending my journey of life. If I must faulter I’ve gotta be wiser-rrr…. I think I’m going to oh, oh, oh… Indeed I really need this eraser to rub me out from this deep dark cellar so I can be released from the demons that lay upon inside me. Would you run and never look back? Would you cry, If you saw me crying? And would you save my soul, tonight? …
People say what you need to do is be thankful for the life you’ve got and stop lookin’ at what you ain’t got… How? Just that it’s not possible for me? I can’t… its- im.. poss.. ible. You just… can’t!! I’ll be able to start being’ thankful for what I have got when I’ve been cured from this nightmare. The voices, the voices I hear inside… say consider them my proti?? gi?? ; instead of my life being gracious they violate me in a major way. Although, they are controlling me, making my life hell and often question about my life of journey ending, It’s like they are telling me I’ve never been a hater… still I love them in a crazy way…they are messing with my mind. It ain’t that they black or white, it has an area the shade of grey in my thoughts.
The thoughts that torture inside. I pray for patience but they make me want to melt away from the world and let them rule me. I’ve always dreamt along with my life that I’d be modest but the demons make me the opposite of moderate; wanting to be immaculately polished with everything I do, but now I’m just the spirit of a hustler and the swagger of a college kid. My life… life.. of mine… I can’t see the future, no one helps, and no one can understand me. I’m just invisible to the world and environment around me.
Err.. one percent I’ve got love for the game, but I’m not in love with everything in it. You would rather see me catch a case and watch my future fade away. The hooting and the hollering back and forth with the arguing inside my brains, in my thoughts in the cellar, it’s all building up. Seems as though I’ve lost sight of self control mind. The world… losing me, ignorance towards me, ignoring all warning signs from me. Temptation to just end my journey. But every-time I go to think of it, I’m being belittled with the voices in my thoughts as they say; “we mighty full of ourselves all of a sudden, aren’t we?
” No escape, no loophole to escape this junction of depression. It’s a long road when you face the world alone; no one reaches out a hand for you to hold. You can find love if you search within yourself and the emptiness you felt will disappear. Having everyone seeing what I do, going insane, my mind insane. Come-ee… yeah, come and walk in my shoes, because you know you daren’t wouldn’t. So keep on getting on with your happy little lives and keep climbing to the top of your aspiration goals you’ve dreamt about from being little… just like I have. Forget me.
Look in the mirror, praise on how wonderful and happy you are. Till the game ends, ’till the clock stops whilst I just sadly fade away. I’m not living my life, my life, I will never lose from what I’ve not had, I’m not living my life, my life… and.. and.. I’m not stopping, so live your life.! Without the strength I need to carry on I can’t cast my fears aside.. because I can’t.. I’m just not too sure if I can survive and fight any longer… Indeed; time must stop where the demons and spirits shall be released from my mind and I shall have free-will from heaven upon down on earth for the first time in my life…so live your life.
The pills in the cabinet… it’s time, it’s time I must be released from this nightmare and take my own life and the demons can be torn out of me before they start belittling me once again. My life, indeed my life is now ending… I hope my friends and family understand, I did this for them… my best friend once gave me the best advice. He said each day’s a gift and not a given right. Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind and try to take the path less traveled by. That first step you take is the longest stride… my life, goodbye my life.